I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.