your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
