Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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