Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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