I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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