My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
