BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
