Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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