I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
