There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Never joke about your clitoris.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
