Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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