oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
