...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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