Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
