i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
