some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
