i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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