Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
