Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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