god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
