I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
