I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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