I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
