You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
