Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
