I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
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His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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