I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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