Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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