i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm getting married
To pizza
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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