The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
