So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
