i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
