Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
