I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
