Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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