My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
