you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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