she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My penis needs a shock collar
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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