walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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