he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The Olympian is in my bed
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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