if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
