dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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