I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
