I never want to see another naked old woman again.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
