I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She announced her abortion via fbk
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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