It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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