My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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