when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
