No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
