And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
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Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
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I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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