and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
