thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
