god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
