If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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