Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
